Most of all in the world, I hate you !
by Dolphen
Summary: Since their first undercover mission, Andy and Sam get closer to each other. But it scares Andy 'cause she never lets anyone come into her heart... What if Sam could find a way to help her to let him in ?
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer : I don't own Rookie Blue. (Otherwise, Sam and Andy will be already involved together...)_

_A/N : It's my first Rookie Blue's fanfic and my first English fanfic too. Like you see, I'm a Rookie too ^^_

_English is not my first language, so it's really difficult to me writting as well as I would do. I'm working with a beta-reader (Thank you for your patience and help ! :) But, it's only a beginning ^^). So please, don't be to harsh with me... But, never hesitate to make constructive suggestions to improve my fanfic and my faltering English._

_I have write this fanfic in my first language, French, too. If any of you wants to read it in French, I can publish it or send it to you, like you want. Please, don't hesitate to ask._

_So, I hope you like it. _

* * *

"So, tonight is the night ", I said aloud before starting to cook. Lasagna isn't really hard to make. No reason to fail. "Don't start to panic, Andy" I said to myself. "You're a cop, you're not so bad even if you had burned an undercover cop in your first mission… and, noone had ever made it that before… so be proud and don't be scared to make lasagna !"

I was so ridiculous, talking aloud to myself that I giggled. I was so nervous… and I had so many reasons to be ! Tonight, I will not eat alone… there will be two others people with me… one is the man I was involved with, Luke Callaghan, and the other… the man who changed my life forever, made my life both paradise and hell on his whim, my ex- T.O. and my partner, Sam Swarek.

Invited both them… what an idea ! How did I manage that ? Too drunk when I had suggested that ? Even not. I was tired of being split between both of them. So…

Ten days had passed since my first undercover mission with Sam. That was awesome, I thought ! I felt so free, so thrill and so nervous too ! But with Sam, I never really felt fear… cause, he was there… there for me, like he had always been.

At the hands of Angel, I never thought I could talk with this steady voice, insufflating both love and desire. That was a great time ! No fear, no awkwardness anymore ! I only started to talk… and, all of the sudden, words seemed flow from my heart to my mouth without any discomfort. It was so real… Like his kiss… **_our_** kiss, I mean… 'cause, that was what that was… even if **_he_** had kissed me first, I had raised my chin to find his lips. When I thought of this moment so full of tenderness, desire and despair 'cause of his leaving and the fact that we weren't sure to see both of us again, a shiver ran down my spine. Shudder of fear or tremble of pleasure ? Both of them, maybe…

I tried to focus on my lasagna but, when I put them in the oven, my thoughts and feelings had reappeared, stronger than ever, blushing my cheeks and warming my body. Even though I tried hard, I couldn't ignore it, so I decided to set the table to keep myself busy, waiting for Sam whom I was expecting in half an hour… 

- o -

A few days before, Sam, leaning against the cruiser, a hot coffee that I had given to him in his hand, had been very astonished by my request.

"A dinner ? At your place ? With… Callaghan ? Are you kidding me ?"

"No, I'm serious. It's important to me, Sam."

"Yeah…" He winced, stared at me in disbelief. "Why ?"

"You guys, you mean a lot to me. I need you both - Sam's eyes widened for a moment before they darkened and he gritted his teeth. – and I'm tired of having bad relationships with both of you…" I heard him sigh and I knew he'd given in to me. But, to be sure he really did, I begged him, with a smirk : "Please, Sam, you're my friend…"

"Alright, you get me, McNally !" He said, drawling my name, with his so wonderfully personnal smile, working his dimples. My heart skipped a beat, and my cheeks turned red while I bit my lower lip.

"And Callaghan ? He has accepted too ? By the way, are you sure you will manage to survive to us for a long long evening ?" He laughed and, suddenly… I was happy !

"No problems, I will hide away my knives and guns…"

"Foresight ?"

"Watchful !" He chuckled and said earnestly : "So, he's okay with that ?"

"He said yes. I mean, he's not jumping for joy, but he agrees. He knows that it's important to me."

"Such a _Prince Charming_ !" I could hear a pinch of scorn in his voice and I thought, awkwardly, that this evening will be very tense.

"He promised me he'd come and try to have a pleasant evening with us. So, please, promise me the same thing. Sam, I beg you to do this…"

He deeply sighed again, clenched his arms on his chest, closed his beautiful eyes and remained silent for a while. I couldn't stop gazing at him, such as he was touching and easy on the eyes. When he opened his eyes and stared back at me, I startled, blushing a little.

"Ok, I promise you. As long as Callaghan treats you well for the evening and if he doesn't provoke me too much, I will keep my promise to you."

"Thank you…" I whispered, my hand close to touching his arm. But, seeing the intense look he gave me, I gave up for our own safety, averted my eyes from his, clearing my throat.

"Anyway, McNally, I'm sure that the evening won't turn like you wish… "

"Why ?"

"Do you want to bet with me that Callaghan will not come 'cause of his work or anything else ?" He chukleded again but not with his eyes… they were sad… so sad that my heart hurt me. But, knowing him as well as I did, I teased him to calm him down for a while all those feelings unsaid.

"I wouldn't bet on it ! I'm sure he will come."

"Alright, I'll take you up on that !" He said, slapping on the car roof to validate the bet, before he settled back in the passenger's side, a wry half-smile in his face. When I sat next to him, he added with a mischievous look, without a glance at me : "Of course, McNally, during this evening, you and I, will fix the bet's stake. I hope for you that your… colleague with benefits… will be there."

- o -

Whatever I did to stop thinking, I couldn't help but think it didn't work. Yet, I had already done all that I had to do. So, I sat on the couch, waiting for Sam, hoping that Luke would not be to late.

Suddenly, I remembered the bet and the fact that Sam had validate it _**before**_ fix the stake ! He got me, I grinned and bore it. But, even if I had always known that Sam would never be nasty or rude with me, fact that I didn't knew the stake, awkwarded me… not for fear nevertheless… but… and **_if_** he…

I couldn't think of that anymore 'cause someone knocked on my door. Someone ? My heart knew who was that before I opened the door, 'cause he bolted so much…


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer : I don't own Rookie Blue. (But I really wish to see season 2 as soon as possible 'cause I'm addicted to Sam... and Andy of course, but only with Sam ^^)  
_

_A/N : It's my first Rookie Blue's fanfic and my first English fanfic too. Like you see, I'm a Rookie too ^^_

_English is not my first language, so it's really difficult to me writting as well as I would do. I'm working with a great beta-reader, **samcamstargate1**, who's kindly take time to help me even if she's really busy. Thank you to you, really :)_

_So please, don't be to harsh with me... But, never hesitate to make constructive suggestions to improve my fanfic and my faltering English._

_I really want to thank you for your great feedbacks and encouragements ! You give me the urge to work more and more my english grammar to please you. I hope this chapter is better than the first. (Special dedicace to **nightfog** : your "Illusions of Bliss" fanmix helps me to find inspiration and concentration on McSwarek... so, thank you again ;))  
_

_And I hope you like it ! _

_

* * *

_

I opened the door while taking my breath when Sam has appeared. He was so attractive, close shave, wearing two t-shirts: black and white, one above the other, and a jean. He offered me flowers with an awkward smile :

"I have no idea about what bringing to you… the flower's shop next corner was still open… there were sales, so …"

"Oh, that's really cute, thank you," I said, taking the flowers. Inwardly, I smiled, 'cause I knew there were never sales on flowers. 

I put the flowers in a vase, suggesting to him to sit down. His awkwardness gained the upper hand, 'cause when he sat on a chair, he couldn't stay on it, stood up A.S.A.P. "_He is nervous_," I said to myself, stifling a chuckle. I left him with his angst, and put the finishing touches on the entree. When I glanced at him, he had a look around the room.

"I love the way you're settled … it's sober … minimalist design …" he teased me, smiling.

"I've never hung a picture on the wall before; I'm sure it will be in the better place ever, actually. So… could take time …"

"Glad to see you get along with yours pictures," he chuckles. "And that? You're too in collocation with that?"

I turned back to him and saw the little ring on his palm that he had just took off the bookshelf.

"Yes, it and me, we are one."

Sam laughed a little before he added with a smirk, "Pink, butterfly-shaped, from Barbie… Don't wanna be a naughty boy but, seriously McNally, you really think to put it on? I'm not sure that the ring's color and the blue uniform make a good match." He raised an eyebrow while I burst out laughing.

"You're such an idiot. Stop poking fun on me, and please, put the ring down again on bookshelf! I just found it at Daddy's place. I loved it most of all when I was young…"

"Oh, really… ?" Sam sat on the arm of the couch while smiling lovingly at me, working his dimples, "Tell me all about it then !"

"Not now. I must finish cooking…" I said, while I returned to the kitchen, trying to change the subject.

As Sam was thoughtful, playing with the ring, I couldn't help but steal a glance at him. It was the very first time he came in my place, but it was like he had always been here. This sensation both scared and captivated me.

"At what time did we expect Callaghan?" he said all of a sudden, startling me.

"7.30 pm, he said," I answered, watching the clock on the wall. It was 8.

"Huh… He's running late…" Sam hummed, smirking.

"Okay, it's right! But he promised me he'd come! Do you want to drink something before dinner? It will give him time to come. Scotch? Beer?…"

"Definitely Scotch, please. I think I'll need it," he added, winked at me.

I was pouring his scotch out when I heard him saying, "I'll get the ice-cubes."

"Okay," I answered to him automatically. Suddenly, my brain established connection between cause and effect: ice-cubes equals freezer, freezer equals jar, jar equals post-it, post-it equal Swarek ! While dropping his glass of scotch above the table, I opened my eyes wide and yelled at Sam, "No, wait !" I put myself between Sam and the fridge. He startled, gazing at me weirdly.

"Okay… huh… McNally, you're freaking me out now… I'm going to end up wishing Luke what's-his-name would come here now to protect me." He chuckled, with a mischievous look before going to the kitchen, mopped up the scotch pouring on the table. "Hum… Ain't that a shame, wasting scotch like that !" he grumbled.

I deeply sighed, closing my eyes to calm down. I avoided the worst! I couldn't forget Luke's reaction when he found the post-it… How Sam would have reacted? He certainly would have teased me but… what would he have really felt inside? 

"McNally," said Sam, rousing me from my thoughts. "Can I have ice-cubes, or should I better quickly go to North Pole to take them?" He smiled at me, shaking softly his glass. "Unless it's what's-his-name who deals with the ice-cubes?"

"Stop it, please, Sam! You'd promise to be kind," I growled at him, opening a little bit the freezer, grabbing some ice-cubes, and then closing the door again.

"I had promised to try **if** he didn't provoke me, and **if ** he was caring to you. A half-an-hour delay without notice, for me, is not to be an attentive person…"

He didn't say anything else, seating again on the arm of the couch, holding his glass in his left hand, the ring in his right, his intense glaze staring at me. Feeling awkward, I decided to call Luke. I dialed his office's number and had a sigh of relief when someone answered the phone. But, this feeling only lasted a moment.

"Detective Barber. Can I help you ?"

"Jerry, this is Andy. Is Luke with you?"

"Luke?" Jerry was surprised. "I'm afraid not. He's already gone."

"Gone? Where?" I exclaimed, before turning my back to Sam, who was bursting out laughing while shrugging off.

"So, he is certainly on his way to come here…" After being anxious for a while, I sighed, trying to have faith in this little part of hope.

"I wouldn't bet on that, Andy…" Jerry was really embarrassed, and I didn't like the feeling I felt at this moment.

"So… where is he?"

"Listen, Andy… You should call him on his cell-phone, it would be better… Don't worry about that, Lady. I'm sure all is fine. Good evening to you, Andy."

"Good evening to you too, Jerry. And… thanks."

I hung up, lost in my thoughts. Where was Luke? Why Jerry didn't tell me? I felt really bad now!

- o -

Sooner in the afternoon, at the shift's end, when I was on my way to the locker room, I knocked at the door of the detective's office. I saw that Luke was in there, phoning, and I had to talk with him about tonight. I came in while Luke waved me to seat down with a broad grin.

"Are you okay ?" he murmured to me moving his handset a little.

"Yes, but I have to talk with you about…"

"Yes, yes ! I'm still here!" he answered at his interlocutor. - "**_Yes, you said?_**"

"I said, I want to know if…"

"No! It's impossible and you know that!" – "_**Andy, I'm busy… What do you want to say to me, please ?**_"

"I want to know if …"

Suddenly, I was so stressed and on edge by his behavior, that my words refused to get out of my mouth, like they built a wall to protect me.

"Alright, yes, we will do that. I'll call you back tomorrow." Luke said before hung up. "So, Andy… what do you want to say to me ?"

"You know… it's about this evening… you know… about the dinner …" 

I couldn't talk anymore, 'cause his cell-phone rang and Luke answered it. When he checked the caller's ID, he waved to me to excuse him, wincing, and answered. I really was shocked and offended but it wasn't the worst ! The worst was when he said :

"Yes, I'll wait for you at 7.15 p.m. at the office. No problems, I'll be there…"

"No, you don't!" I exclaimed, startling him. "You have a rendezvous tonight, remember?"

"**_Oh yes… that's true… Damn !_**" - "No, no, I don't talk to you. I'm with a colleague …"

A colleague? Me? He defined me as a colleague? All of a sudden, Swarek's idiom about Luke reappeared in my mind. "_Colleague with benefits…_" Thinking of that made me feel dirty. "_One rookie per year, McNally_," Swarek had added, strengthening the doubt in me.

"Listen, like I said, I'll wait for you at the office. Don't worry about that." – "**_I'll only be late for a while, that's all_**," he said to me, flippantly. 

Swarek's warning about Luke's cancellation tonight slipped into my mind, hurting me. Did I mean little to Luke? Did he really cared about me? I didn't knew what thinking of it. Sometimes, I was sure he loved me but … at other times, like the night of the blackout, when he left me 'cause of the "big case", I didn't bet on that. Benny's face reappeared in my thoughts, touching my heart. I will not ever forget this one and the guilt I felt about his death and my responsibility on that. But, I will never forget too the way Callaghan was pushing me to manipulate that boy. I felt so miserable every time I thought of this terrible mess. If Luke really cared about me, why did he behave with me like this ? Sam really cared about me – at least, I thought he did – and he never ever acted like this with me… So… what I supposed to believe now? What I was supposed to do? 

"Andy?" Luke murmured for the umpteenth time, startling me. I had a hard way to look at him, hiding my thoughts and my lack of understanding.

"Andy, it doesn't really matter if I'm late… it's only a dinner with… Swarek… doesn't really matter."

"But… you'll really come?" I asked him with a hesitant tone.

"Yeah, yeah… I'll do what I'll can, ok?" he got lightly worked up.

"Anyway, you'll be on the office, will you not?"

"**Yes**! You had heard what I said on the phone, no? So, you know I'll stay here, waiting for someone. After, I'll meet you at your place."

"Call me if you'll late, please. I mean… I'll keep the dinner hot."

"Yeah, yeah… I'll do that," he added, dialing a number on his cell-phone. "Carlos? Soy Luke. Que tal? Y tu mujer? Verdad?" he chuckled before he realized that I was still there, startled him with wide eyes. He had a slight cough before saying, "Espere un momento por favor." – "_**Andy, I'm busy. See you later, okay? Please**_."

His eyes were no more warm. I couldn't believe it! He quite simply dismissed me! I deeply breathed, doing my best to hold back my tears and my anger, giving only, "So, see you soon. Try not be to late."

"Yeah, yeah…" Luke answered with a little wave. "Si, estoy siempre aqui. Espere, por favor…" "_**Andy?**_" he said suddenly to me.

"Yes?" I turned around happily, hoping he wanted to apologize.

"_**Can you close the door behind you, babe? Thanks.**_" "Si, te escucho."

Luke turned his back seat to me and carried on his conversation. I remained speechless but, when I closed the door, I slammed it so hard that Luke startling… "**Yes**!" I said to myself before rushing in the locker room. I met Sam who shouted kindly at me, "For tonight, by the way…"

"Please, back off, it's not the moment!"

As I left Sam dumbstruck by my words, I starting to run, opening the door of the locker room so hardly that it hit the wall.

- o -

Remembering this afternoon didn't help me to calm down. I sighed deeply while I dialed Luke's number. I could feel my neck burned under Sam's incandescent gaze. I struggled with myself for not turning back and looking at him… It was to dangerous, 'cause I knew I couldn't resist to throw myself into his arms.

"Hurry up, Luke, please! Don't leave me alone with him… I don't know how long I can resist! Oh gosh, he makes me melt …" I said inwardly, biting my lower lip. 

When I heard the dial tone, I sighed, trying to breath more easily. I was on edge, vibrating between my desire for Sam and my reason who begged Luke's presence, for saving me of all my glowing feelings.

"Yes?" he answered with a half-asleep tone.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"It's Andy. Where the hell are you? You should have been here 45 minutes ago. You're not at your office, by the way?"

I felt badly reacting like that, especially with Sam near me… I seemed to be a wife – only God knew how much I hated this word! – jealous and authoritarian. But, there were no teases at my back. So, I turned lightly to Sam and saw him gazed carefully at me, with compassion while he playing with my child's ring.

Annoyed without a cause – at least a cause that I could express – I turned my back again to him, hearing Luke's explanations.

"Yes, I know… but, I had to go… had something to do… a grueling case… I didn't notice the time go by. Sorry."

"You should have told me. My lasagna will be overcooked! Okay… where are you now? How long before you get here?"

"I am… I am… I'm really busy now, Andy. I can't be ready to go before a long time, I think."

"So, we'll wait for you… Never mind."

I refused to notice the Sam's scorn's sniff.

"Andy, it's NO! I can't come, I'm overbooked, exhausted and… not in town. We'll put this diner off."

"But, you had promised, Luke!"

"Yeah, well, I can't help becoming busy. The job is the job ! So, your dinner with Swarek the hot guy, it's a cool idea but I have more important things to do and think, okay?"

"How can you speak to me like that, Luke?" I hiccupped by surprise.

"Sorry, I'm exhausted like I said. Come on, Andy… Don't worry, we'll put this off later. I'm sure you and Mr. Muscle will have a good evening together, by the way."

"Luke?" I exclaimed.

"I'll be really curious to know his reaction when he opens your freezer, by the way. Bye Andy." 

I was at loose ends when Luke hung up on me. I dropped out my arm holding again the cellular phone, my eyes staring on the space, the cold penetrating my heart.

Shortly after, Sam was near me, grabbing the phone and putting it on the table with a deep glance of empathy.

"He's not coming, is he?" he murmured softly with a concerned tone in his voice. No more irony or teasing.

"No, you were right… too much work."

"Oh…" It not sounded like a victory but like an evidence; yet his ardent eyes sparkling in the space of a second made me think that, even if Sam was sad about me, this situation wasn't a wholly unpleasant idea to him.

"So… what do we do now?" he said, to talk about something else.

"Well… dinner is ready, – I hope it's not overcooked… - so, go to eat. I cooked to much of things for only two …"

"Don't worry about that ! I'm absolutely starving!" Sam said with a ferocious smirk, who made me smile despite myself.

In order to help me to relax, Sam suggested to eat on the coffee table in front of a hockey game. A broad grin spread through my face, and I accepted his idea. So, here were are: sat on the floor closer to each other, the couch in our back, enjoying lasagna thoroughly and drinking beer. While he took little sips of his beverage, he said with a smirk, "Callaghan doesn't know what he lost …"

He was right. Tonight, Luke had lost more than he can imagine… Nevertheless, it was not the most important for me now… I bewailed the loss of the bet and more specifically, the fact that I still didn't know the stake. And a glance to the triumphant air of Sam didn't reassure me at all.


End file.
